SOMETIMES, YOU'RE THE AUDIENCE

Many years ago when I desperately needed money, I participated in a "studio audience" job for a show.

I got an email from a friend about it, and I thought "oh, that sounds like a fun little gig." I moved all of my meetings until the end of the week, and decided I'd give it a go.

QUICKLY, I learned it was not an easy "sit on your ass and have a good time" gig. This was an ACTING JOB. It was ten hour set days and a lot of standing. I was tired A. fucking F.

We had to sign an NDA for the job, so I can't tell you the specifics of what show it is, the format, or any of that stuff. (Even though years have passed and the show has been aired, probably multiple times.) However, I do want to tell you about one innocuous detail, because it ties into the work I do in staying in the present moment.

As humans, we have this tendency to make ourselves miserable by getting out of the present, and thinking about "where we could be instead." We do it with our lives also, not appreciating where we are now, and always thinking off to a distant time that doesn't exist, the land of "where I'd rather be."

We just always "wanna be there" and not here.

After three long days on set, my ego had her underwear in a massive bunch. I'd been waking up at 4 to read and respond to notes from clients. I'd been having to run after the long days, which I didn't prefer, and I was getting yelled at by people during rush hour on the crowded streets.

Everything in my mind was all about how "I could be somewhere else, making better use of my time."

I was sending resentful Marco Polos to my friend Josh every night, yelling and screaming about how everyone was younger than I am, and how nobody had anything valuable to say to me.

I was just hell burning fire, and I was reminded of how I was when I was working at Bubba Gump, I was always "waiting for this to be over so I can go live my life."

And how many of you do that with your work? Wait for it to be over so the weekend can come?

At this point, I'm in practice, but as a human who constantly evolves, sometimes I have to talk to my ego like it's a little child.

"Be here now, Andrea," I said to it as I'd catch myself grimacing.

Because of course, my ego thinks there's so much more happening in a place that I'm not. That's why it wants to go home so it can "write an email," or "reach out to that person." It didn't want to be in the present, because the present wasn't what it expected, and the present made it feel "unimportant."

I refer to it as "it," because all of the programming that keeps you stuck is not you. It's a program.

I have a friend who constantly refers to herself as a "Pleaser." And I gently remind her (and maybe not always gently,) that she is not a Pleaser. The "Pleaser" is a program.

So there I was, ego programs running, telling myself "be here now, Andrea."

I found the program winning the battle, and then, something miraculous happened.

One of the guests was asked a question about why he left a place to move to another, and he said his wife was diagnosed with brain cancer.

And all of a sudden, I was humbled to the point where I almost fell over. We all reacted genuinely, and cheered for him, clapped, smiled. The room filled with a loving essence.

I thought "here's this guy on national television, on a major network show... He's having one of the biggest moments of his career after experiencing extreme adversity... and I'm the audience."

Because what would that moment have been for him without the audience?

And I know, it's easy to know this concept intellectually, but put yourself in that position. You work your whole life to get to a spot like that, while someone you love is diagnosed with a serious illness, and nobody is there to cheer for you... Nobody is there to watch you... Nobody is there to HEAR your words.

It's kind of selfish to not think that at some point, in the midst of our melodrama with trying to "be someone," that there aren't times where we just are made to sit and be the audience. How can we be complete humans without the other humans?

One of my favorite statements is by Communication scholar Stuart Hall. He said "nothing meaningful exists outside of discourse."

And it can be very true with humans. Look at us right now. I'm writing about this, and you're reading, and we're all evolving, and we're all growing. We're all feeling.

We're all consciousness experiencing itself. Our inner world, humanity, and the world of form that is the manifestation; they are not separate, they are the same.

Sometimes, it isn't your moment to be on stage.

In fact, as I live my life, it's become very evident that it's about service to others rather than about fame or acknowledgment. It was that way when I was bartender, and it's that way now.

What would your wedding be without the bartender?

My life is the piece of the whole that it is. A lot of my life is about being the "guide on the side," and when I'm not doing that, I'm the audience. I'm the sidebar to someone else's learning, joy, love.

Every piece fits together, in the whole of us.

So, even when it seems like nothing's happening, and your individual programs have you rushing off mentally to where you'd rather be, I'd ask you, can you be here now?

Can you recognize the divine purpose you have in what you're doing right now?

Maybe you won't be Meryl Streep today, but you can be the audience, and better yet, you can feel some peace about it.

As Michael Singer says in The Untethered Soul, open when you want to close. "When you close, the energy stops flowing. When you open, all the energy rushes up inside of you."