FEAR IS FICTIONAL

I'm in this tank... 💦

And all of a sudden, I'm afraid....

Afraid that a sound... will interrupt my peaceful state. My brain creates the fear from nothing, as I am within nothing, returning to nothing, surrounded by nothing, visualizing nothing.

Every time a frequency that might be too subtle for my naked ear to hear somehow slightly transmits through the salt water, my heart begins beating faster. I hear that... Loud. Fast. I can hear the swishing of my blood almost. I can hear spikey gurgles from that system that takes the food in my body and turns it into ... more of my body.

--

I discovered that morning upon the resurgence of something familiar yet new that I am terrified ... of everything.

I figured this out when I drove across the country (alone) in 2021.

I knew it when I left my sources of stable income to pursue unstable and unpredictable solopreneurship.

I knew it in all of those times, alone, in the desert, in an old car...

Alone, in a new role.

Alone, in that tank...

Alone, on this earth...

I knew I lived with fear before, as most humans do, but if I learned anything about fear during that float, (as my intention was solely to meditate on it,) It's that I'm afraid ... of nothing.

I used to think it was death that I feared.

Loss of love...

Being laughed at.

Being ridiculed.

Being singled out.

Losing a loved one.

Besides dying, which can happen at any time, all of those things have happened, and it was fine! All of those things, in the moment, were not a big deal.

I discovered I have fear with no cause.

I have fear... over... nothing.

As in, nothing. The fear exists WITHOUT a cause.

Unwarranted. Stupid.

I tell stories to pretend the fear is about something:

"What if I change the world?! OMG WILL I EVER HAVE A MOMENT ALONE AGAIN?

What if I don't change the world!?!?! I'll DIE IN ENDLESS REGRET!!!

I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I AM DOING but God help me if I have a full Tuesday afternoon ever...! How terrifying.

What if I get a job that makes me travel... on AMERICAN AIRLINES? What if I never get to travel again!?

Can you please give me steak for breakfast and I DON'T CARE IF I NEED OPEN HEART SURGEY but omg please don't let me need open heart surgery.

And who will watch my cat?

I don't have a cat. What if it died?!

And what if I love you? And what if I lose you? What if we have sex!? What if GOD FORBID WE DON'T MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKIN' 👏🏻 LIKE 👏🏻 THIS 👏🏻

...I don't want kids.

OMG terrifying. ' But yet they're only stories.

Stories.

Stories about nothing.

They're not the real cause of the fear. The fear exists with or WITHOUT the stories. Because in the tank... when everything is removed... the fear is still there.

I have fear with no cause.

I have fear... over nothing.

Death might be the only thing that's safe.

And I understand now, in my own way, the line “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

Photo by Galen Crout on Unsplash